Last week we started this 2 part series with the internal work needed when we mess up as leaders. This week I want to talk about the external work needed to restore a relationship and team unity.
I promise you this is not fun but oh so necessary. Team unity is threatened when situations like this takes place and nothing handicaps a ministry quite like disunity. The work you do externally will not only work to restore that unity but will build trust and loyalty to those watching.
So let dive right in:
5. Apologize & Forgive
If you need to make amends with someone especially if they are under your direct leadership it is important for that relationship and the health of the team or ministry that you do this well.
Apologize for your part only and ask for forgiveness. This does not need to be a long drawn out conversation but it should be heartfelt.
You should be aware of how much you tell this person. They may not be trustworthy and may not be able to handle it well if you have a longterm vice that led to your actions. Telling them every gory detail could lead to longer-term problems.
If the person is trustworthy it may be ok to tell the root issue but if they are not a simple apology in regards to the current situation should suffice.
Allow the person time to respond but don’t hash the whole thing out again. Encourage them to find a mentor or trusted person to process their part of the situation.
{Don’t expect the person to forgive you. I’m not saying this because they shouldn’t but because they may not have done the pre-work you did…they may not be there yet. They may also not be interested in handling the situation well (for a variety of reasons). The only person you can be responsible for is yourself, you can’t make others forgive you. All you can do is give them the opportunity to forgive. As I said above you are looking to God’s forgiveness as a means to move forward not the other person’s forgiveness.}
If YOU need to do the forgiving don’t say that you’ve forgiven the person if you haven’t. This is lying.
A lot of times as Christians we push people to forgive before they are ready and they suffer years of consequences because they haven’t been given the time and guidance to truly reach full forgiveness.
Forgiveness is a process that sometimes can take a while. I think it is more important to seek to forgive and take the first steps rather than living hard-set in unforgiveness.
Our minds know we need to but sometimes our hearts are not so easily persuaded. (Remember how desperately wicked our hearts are.) I think we need to actively work toward it and have a mindset of being willing and wanting to forgive.
If you are having a hard time forgiving, tell God. He is faithful and wants to provide healing and restoration. The best thing you can do here is to be honest with God about how you are feeling and ask him to change your heart. You can’t just plaster on a smile and expect forgiveness to happen just because you know you need to.
Forgiveness is an active process that we need God’s word and the Holy Spirit’s guidance to walk through.
6. Be transparent
This one takes real discernment on what should be shared, what shouldn’t, and to whom. You may need to address the situation with more than just the people involved if a larger group of people are aware or witnessed a falling out.
You do not, however, need to rehash the whole thing. Saying something like, “I made a wrong decision out of bad motives and I’m sorry you witnessed that.” is better than saying, “I yelled at Judy because I was jealous of her role and I’m sorry you were there to see it.”
Be clear about the work you did to restore the relationship and about your contrition over the issue that happened. This may also be something to discuss with a mentor and ask for guidance from leadership on just how far you need to go when it comes to making amends and restoring unity.
7. Invite Questions
The best way to squash gossip about a hard situation is to invite people to come directly to you to ask their questions in private. This gives a clue to your mature audience to direct anyone wanting to discuss the issue to go directly to you.
It also lets those who want to chat about it know that you are open to dialogue about it and not trying to cover it up.
Once people realize it’s not a secret and it has been handled generally all the “fun” has been taken out of the gossip to begin with.
Secondly, inviting questions instills trust in those who might have thrown your integrity into question over the issue. They know if they truly have a concern you are open to talk about it with them and restore the trust once there.
Again, this is not to rehash everything with them but rather to clear up concern. This can generally be satisfied by reviewing the steps you have taken to amend the problem without going into the gory detail of what you discussed with your mentor.
8. Build Trust
As we all know, once broken trust is not easily fixed. I feel that the steps above are a great way to rebuild a foundation of trust. Don’t be fooled into thinking that the work you are doing is enough. Sometimes it takes a lot longer than just letting the situation pass for trust to be secure again. Despite doing all this hard work it may just take time and integrity to get back what was lost.
I know this seems like a lot of work and frankly, it is, but it may be necessary based on the severity of the situation.
As I mentioned above you can only control yourself. Ask God to release your mind and heart from other’s poor reactions to your efforts to restore your relationships.
Lastly and most importantly, bathe this whole process in prayer. Pray for discernment and good judgment. We have an intimate and loving God that is not only working in your heart but the hearts of those involved. He can work miracles in situations that seem lost and beyond repair. He can give you strength in times when it is hard and make conversations go better than you would have ever dreamed.
Even when things don’t go well and everything seems bleak he is there too. He hasn’t forgotten you and he isn’t slow in his timing.
I love you, leader! You can do this!
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