The topic of friendship is both the easiest and the hardest thing for me to write about right now.
You see I have a fantastic God-ordained group of friends whom I love and cherish that live 1,500 miles away from me. They are life-giving and they love Jesus. They support me and love me and tell me to straighten up when I need to. I truly believe God put them in my life to show me what Godly friendships look like.
But I don’t live near them. My family moved away 1 year ago to a new city. I hate to say it but we are still getting our bearings and I haven’t made any friends. For me, this has been super difficult because my friendships are my lifeblood. I have spent the past year grieving and waiting for the right person to drop into my lap. I thought if I went to church and put in minimal effort a friend would just appear. That didn’t happen.
To say this past year has been lonely would be an understatement. I work from home and have found that makes it incredibly easy to isolate myself. I don’t have to put in the effort to build relationships on a daily basis so I have lots of time to get into my own head.
But luckily God gifted me some time at home with my group of friends. I got to spend seven weeks with my family back in our home state at our home church with my friends who equal home to me. I know God gave me this time to restore my heart and give me the stamina to work at new relationships.
I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship, we are going to be talking about friendship soon on the podcast, and I have been examining myself and my ideas about it. I have had to remind myself of a few things when it comes to making new friends and I’ve had to rework my perception of what friendship is. It has been necessary for me to change my thoughts about friendship so that when that person comes along I am healthy enough to be a good friend.
So I wanted to share with you what I am learning.
It’s about what you can give not what you get
This little nugget right here was mind-boggling for me. Now I, of course, knew this but the past year I have been thinking (not these exact terms), “I need friends to fill the void in my life.” I was looking for friends to supplement my feelings, my needs, and even my relationship with Christ. I was a needy girl. I think because my friendships back home were so rich and fulfilling when I moved away it left a gaping hole in my heart. But I realized that coming to someone I don’t know expecting them to fill that void was a disaster waiting to happen. I need to be the person who is looking to Jesus to fill the void and looking for people I can minister to and pour out his love to. What a drastic difference between those two motives.
Don’t come with an agenda
I know Jesus placed that friend group around me for a reason and I know he wants me to share that dynamic with others but I had messed up thinking about this too. I thought that I knew what I was doing and that, boy, was I going to show people how to do this. I felt like I was bringing a resume with me to each gathering at church I attended. I felt like I had fought hard for the ministry things I had accomplished, that my church back home really esteemed me, and that I was on the cusp of bigger and better things. It was important for me that people around me knew these things because I didn’t want to seem inexperienced. Wow, girl! Was I full of myself or what?!? I realized that no one wants to be friends with someone who is only looking to add things to their resume or gain leverage from connections. That is a shaky foundation to build a friendship on!
Modeling christ
Honestly, when I was looking for friendship to fill my void, modeling Christ to others wasn’t anywhere on my mind. It was not even part of the equation. This is the basis of how people will know that we have been with Jesus. We are supposed to be the aroma of Jesus not the stench of self-righteousness. (I don’t know where I heard that. If you know tell me so I can give that person credit) I want friends who model Christ to me and that should be my goal too. I’m looking for someone who can remind me what it looks like to be longsuffering, to lavish grace, to issue warnings, to push me toward holiness, and to encourage my heart. I need to be looking to be that as well to others.
Courting
You know that old fashioned idea of courting? Yea, culture doesn’t really love this idea. Generally, culture loves quick and fantastical love stories like what is portrayed in movies. I was hoping that my next BFF would drop out of the sky and we would click in an instant. I knew that it probably wasn’t going to happen like that but I was pushing aside the truth I knew for the reality I felt like creating for myself. Rather friendship more properly fits into the courtship category. It is for the long haul. It is the repeated practice of showing a bit of your heart to someone, seeing how they handle it, and moving forward. Sometimes it is hard-fought and won. Most often it isn’t instant and deep. I need to be looking for someone to build a friendship with one brick at a time. Friendship takes patience and persistence.
So that is what I am thinking about friendship right now. I’m praying for opportunities to find someone like-minded, who loves Jesus, and who I can pour into. Someone I can show peace and order to (I’ll save the drama for my mama) the way Jesus does. Someone who I can be safe with and who is safe with me.
I pray that if friendship is hard for you right now that God would show you how your perspective needs to change and how he wants you to show him to others.
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